You Might Be A Slam Poet If

Hey, poetry slammers and regulars. Please read and enjoy this list. Feel free to add to it in the comments. In the spirit of roasting my homies and with lots of love:

You might be a slam poet if…

…the only team you’ve ever been on included 3 other poets.
…you prefer judging someone silently, in a corner and pouting, rather than with numbers.
…you call running away from responsibility and commitments “going on tour.”
…you think your homemade book of poetry might be worth more than $5.00.
…you think someone will actually read said book of poetry.
…you have made a pact to never date another poet, but break that pact at the drop of a pants.
…you think 8.5 out of 10.0 is a low score.
…you bank all of your vacation time each year to go to the National Poetry Slam.
…you tell everybody at the National Poetry Slam that you’re on vacation and getting paid to be there.
…you wouldn’t dare go to the National Poetry Slam if you had to pay for it yourself.
…you are planning a tour as an excuse to move to another city.
…you sign up at literary readings and open mics to “blow them away” with your “performance skills.”
…you hope that [insert poet name] is going to be at [insert event] because they complimented your work that one time and you were sure they were hitting on you.
…you think a viable career path is: 1. Make a slam team; 2. Win Nationals; 3. Get record/movie/TV deal; 4. Become friends with celebrities; 5. Return to perform at local slam as a huge favor to the scene.
…you love conscious hip-hop AND some country.
…you’ve beaten other people in a competition of words with a poem about unity and peace.
…you’ve met Mos Def.
…you’ve bragged to others (who’ve never heard of poetry slam) that you’re on a slam team.
…you have many recipes for ramen noodles, cheap booze and own a counterfeit monthly bus pass.
…you think your poem about oral copulation can not only win a poetry slam, but also change the world’s view on sexuality.
…you think performing in three to ten venues a year is getting your work “out there/making a difference.”
…you are proud of your lowest score ever.
…you have cried for losing a poetry slam.
…you want to be the next Bukowski, Ginsberg and/or Kerouac.
…you are the next Plath.
…you are seeking fame and notoriety through pretty/vulgar three minute rants.
…still have a Myspace account because it’s where people can listen to your “tracks.”
…the old slam guard won’t acknowledge you.
…you wrote poetry at a coffee shop instead of going to college.
…you have five memorized poems and three of them “do well.”
…you’re “looking” for an agent, but don’t do stand-up, play an instrument, do magic/hypnosis, sing or juggle.
…you slept with anyone in Berkeley, California between 1998 and 2006.
…you’ve toured through Los Angeles and lost money.
…you watched Shane Koyczan’s Olympic performance on YouTube.
…two meals in one day and free drinks is “livin’ it up.”
…you can’t remember that one poet’s name, but you just love them to death.
…you complain about Starbucks, McDonald’s, or WalMart, but can be found at one at some point throughout the year.
…you have Kinko’s/copier experience and have been called “a connection.”
…you have tried out for every team in your region because people are expecting to see you at the National Poetry Slam.
…you wonder how your poems would fair in a New York/Boston/Chicago/Berkeley poetry slam.
…you look forward to traveling with people you can’t stand to an event full of people you can’t stand.
…you snap your fingers when something is good or someone is screwing up.
…you prefer your poetry scene to your own family.
…you’ve ended a full day at an all-night diner with a plate of fries or mozzarella sticks, a glass of water, surrounded by poets, all excited about the event you just left, and thought, “Man, what a great night.”

I guess I am a slam poet.
———
Word to the nerd.

This entry was written by Mike McGee, posted on 8 July, 2010 at 3:49 AM, filed under Poetry Slam Events and tagged humor, Performance Poetry and Spoken Word, poem, poetry, slam poet list, you might be a slam poet. Leave a comment or view the discussion at the permalink.