Being back in the Bay Area for a few weeks now has been one of the most trying experiments I’ve ever planned. There’s been an outpouring of confirmations in very small doses as to why I have returned.

This is nothing less than rebirth, restructuring and reassessment. Before I left Worcester, Massachusetts, I new I’d be doing a lot of starting over. I wanted to free myself of the literal weight of possessions, cut down as much of my cost of living as possible and reacquaint myself with West Coast life, art and growth. I figured I’d vagabond around the Bay Area through August. Settle a bit in September. Tour a bit in the fall. Write and stay local in the winter. I really wanted to re-immerse myself on the west coast, and ultimately reside in Portland, Oregon or Silicon Valley. I’ve hardly slept in one place more than two nights in a row since I’ve returned. Many floors and couches and marvelously generous people. Namely my sisters and David Perez.

Earlier this month, Write Bloody did a push to raise money to fulfill our new distributor’s book request. They asked all the authors to order at least the minimum 50 books to aid in the goal. I ordered one box of 50 of my In Search of Midnight books right before I moved. That set me back a bit, but a box of books is a good investment for a touring poet. The return on it is more than double, not bad for a handy, quality piece of merchandise to sell on the road. However, not touring at this point, while trying to put on a great show, has been financially overwhelming. If I were to ask anything of anyone to help right now, it would be to help push my book, and/or consider buying one or two as a gift for the holidays for someone who needs poetry in their lives. There is a PayPal button on the right side of my website under the picture of my book. I will gladly sign the book as per your request before shipping it out personally.

I reorganized my storage unit, a very small 5′ by 5′ space I’ve rented since 2002. It’s a reliable $49 a month closet. I realized that most of what’s in there is quasi-sentimental and I can probably get rid of half of it. The other half is a 25-year collection of sports cards that I should sell. Giving away most of my possessions before moving was so liberating. Finding that I still have more stuff to rid from my life is disconcerting. I learned at a young age to hoard possessions; to build a prison of crap around me. I now firmly believe that items that don’t propel me toward the fulfillment of my want and needs with people are almost useless and worth passing along to others. I feel this very strongly with books and have recently had a number of conversations with people about this concept. Books should be shared. Seeing shelves of dusty books in people’s homes make me sad, specifically those collections of books that are merely badges of assumed wisdom.

”Look at this collection of wisdom I’ve amassed. I hope it impresses you. I haven’t read most of them, but they’re mine and I intend to read them when I have the time.”

People who argue that they want to be able to go back to the books are optimistic but not being reasonable most of the time. People who don’t lend out books they’ve already read out of fear they won’t be returned to them just sadden me. Just ask yourself, ‘Will I actually read this again?’ If the answer is no, donate them to a library where you can check it out next time you need it.

THE FIVE REASONS I MOVED OUT HERE
1. Family/Friends – They don’t need me out here. They just want me out here. So many of my family members are staying at my sister Katie’s house with her husband and kids it’s not exactly the best option for crashing. My mom and my brother aren’t talking and it’s more annoying than sad at this point. My family will not let me be homeless and my relationship with them is as strong as ever. It’s just internal family drama. A large number of friends have offered to let me crash in Oakland, Berkeley and San Francisco, but Reason #4 below has kept me in San José and the surrounding Silicon Valley. I love my family.

2. My one-man show in San Francisco – I’ve run it three times now at a black box theater in San Francisco and have one show left this Sunday. Aside from crafting a pretty solid show while getting to work and hang out with Anthony Miller again – which has been awesome – the show’s been a bust. The theater, which is fantastic, seats 99 people. Out of three shows, maybe 26 people total have attended. I will make no money for this show and neither will Anthony. He works for the theater, so I am not worried about him. $10 to $20 a ticket on a Sunday night to listen to a dude talk for two hours… Not appealing to San Franciscans, I guess. It’s been a good excuse to get out of San José on Sundays.

3. San José State University booked me for the end of September to perform and run a workshop for a substantial amount of money. This is my financial foothold to re-establish a home base in the Bay Area. Or at least it was until yesterday. When I hadn’t heard anything from them in a while, I contacted them and got a text message back saying, “Yah, things aren’t really great right now. Just know I tried my best.” A “four months worth of rent and food” gig destroyed by text message. The one-man show was supposed to keep me afloat until the SJSU gig and then I’d be all set. Huge change up on this one. Reason #2 and #3 makes being here much more financially difficult than I had planned and fills me with the notion that what I do for a living isn’t needed right now.

4. San José Poetry Slam – I told SJ Slammaster Kat Dietrich a few years ago to contact me if she couldn’t handle running the slam anymore. I got that message in May. She wanted to stay involved, but putting on the show every month was becoming a huge strain for her. I contacted David Perez and we began designing a variety show that would include a new version of the SJ poetry slam. We haven’t stopped working on it since I got here. Staying up until dawn, planning every moment of the audience’s experience. We came up with a “low residency” show that makes it possible for people who aren’t always in town to organize and establish a quality show in what I call a “small art market.” San José is exactly that sort of market – a city that hasn’t generally thrived on art, nor has it supported it to capacity in the last few years. Since 2002 poetry slam in SJ has been at just barely a pulse because this city requires a huge amount of promotion to compete with the artsier scenes of San Francisco, Oakland and Berkeley. I wanted to hit the art core of downtown San José so I talked to Brian and Cherie at Gallery Anno Domini about becoming our venue. They’ve been the at the center of art here for ten years and have supported so many artists throughout every genre. They agreed immediately. I laid out my design for a new slam format to David and Kat. My goal was to take San José out of its underdog shadow status and push poets to dig deeper and write more of what they don’t have. To break from old habits on and off stage. David and I separated the show from the slam organization. Kat Dietrich remains slammaster and is building a committee to handle fundraising, team building and community outreach. David and I created The Oversocial Mofo Revue, the variety show that incorporates the new San José Poetry Slam, interspersing it throughout a show that includes three main acts: poetry, music and something uncommon. We give the audience more to do, and we do all of this in roughly two hours. I say roughly, but admittedly, I have become a stickler for shorter shows with more entertainment. If things go as David and I have painstakingly scripted them, the show should run about 2:08. I also wanted to put on a slam competition that intimidated me as a competitor. Two round slams of three minute poetry are dying all over the country. I am surprised when I hear of new poetry readings and poetry slams forming that aren’t trying to change up the the status quo or challenge the poets while engaging the audience. The San José Poetry Slam is looking to become one of the most difficult poetry competitions I’ve ever seen.

5. HARD WORK – I have missed the west coast so much. This area and Reasons #1 and #4 have been my rock to keep me busy. Busy is my nature, especially since my last job in 2003. I am not afraid of being employed by someone else again. It’s been so long, I often romanticize about having a steady paycheck. No employer will offer me a salary that rivals my income from touring in 2007 and 2008. Those were very good years financially, but mismanagement and bad choices have left me in debt for the first time in my life. I have no credit because I’ve never had a credit card. I don’t want one. I am concentrated on making what I can now while watching my bank account slowly drain away. It’s fine, this is exactly where I was when I set out on my first U.S. poetry tour EXACTLY seven years ago this month. The only difference here is that I get it, I know how it works, and I know what needs fixed, changed and updated.

WHERE MY MIND, HANDS & HEART ARE AT
What I am doing is having the words “WORK HARD” mentally tattooed on my brain knuckles while vomiting up all the words I still haven’t said yet. I want to establish a sweet show in San José and still have the freedom to vagabond. I have so much writing in store for me and I am very excited about it. I know I have a lot of knowledge people will need down the road in this head and heart of mine. There is a whole continent of people here that need what me and others in this field have to offer. Maybe poetry is not the most consistent work available, but a guy like me needs to work in non-profits, pizza parlors, agriculture, hard labor, bars and cafes from time to time to remember where we came from and that there will always be more people doing the tough shit than what I want to do. I have to remind myself that I am a special motherfucker who is going to die someday and that living is a beautiful tragedy I am an honored to have gotten the chance to witness. I cannot stay soft. I must bring myself to the brink of perfection by all means. I must be a joy to myself and all others around me. I know love – I know it very well – and I must continue this duty of showing it to all who deserve it. I must also seek it out from others when I deserve it.